I’ve gotten it wrong for a long time…for a really long time.
But… I got it right initially and hopefully am getting it right again.
Innocence is bliss.
And true innocence is often tuning out the world and people that are around you. It’s living high on that emotional gratification scale, being grateful, finding joy and being very deliberate and focused only on what you see and feel directly in front of you.
Experience on the other hand is giving everything and everyone else the unnecessary, unsolicited, negative attention they crave and then digesting it all when you are fully well aware that they’ve been known to hurt, cause skepticism, kill trust and take you to a place where you stay stuck indefinitely. That’s the just between a rock and a hard place that I’ve made it home for a while.
There I played against fears and watched them win, I saw trust broken, understood in real and no uncertain terms the phrase “hot headed” and even seriously contemplated waving the white flag and starting again and anew (mostly to myself … pretty often). It sucks there and even with all the energy from all of them and everything, it’s pretty lonely. There’s a kinda “hol’ mi” oil that they rub on you when you get there and you literally feel tied to the energy and space despite sometimes even wanting desperately to leave.
The good thing about love (passion, connection, purpose, whatever you choose to call it) is that it never dies and never lies. It’s been pure and true even when I couldn’t be. It’s been forgiving and caring when I didn’t know how to be. It’s been a magnet, always pulling me back whenever I’ve lost my way. It’s always been there.
Today, I remember what the beginning felt like. It was purposeful, it was shared, it was strong; it was a real belief in something that was a lot bigger than anything I had ever imagined. It was fun. For the first in a long time I’m back at the beginning, made it to year 10 but this time with a little experience in my back pockets.